We grew up watching
classics like Cinderella, Coming to America, Pretty Woman, Nollywood’s Violated
and a couple of other movies where love conquered the social class divide.
Fast forward to 2017,
the Internet rules; anyone can meet anyone, and nobody kicks up a fuss about
cross-class relationships or marriages anymore. It is not considered overtly
scandalous. We no longer factor it in when considering the root of our relationship
problems, and we look to psychology or gender norms instead when trying to
figure out why our partner is being an ass. We pretend that we live in a
classless society where background does not matter as much as present
compatibility. Things are changing and people’s classes are no longer inscribed
in stone.
Believe it or not
though, social class or shall we say socio-economic differences, still pose a
very difficult challenge in relationships today. Anyone who has dated someone
outside their social class can affirm that there are strange tensions and
inevitable speed bumps that come with these kinds of relationships. It can be
fraught with complications.
For instance, your
boyfriend could be from a high-class, wealthy family while you come from a working-class
family with less money. He travels a lot and has been to all these places
around the world just for fun, while you have never crossed the borders of
Nigeria. You start to think you cannot keep up with him because you have to be
extremely careful with money. Also, you know that the only way both of you
could travel together on a regular basis is if he pays for you, and that just
seems wrong.
Likewise, it could be
the other way round and you are the girl from an upper-middle-class family,
while your man has a working class background. Of course, financial equality
does not mean cultural equality, so you wonder why he attaches too much
importance to simple things like good food or designer labels. He, on the other
hand, gets exasperated by your easy-come-easy-go spending attitude.
A couple of days ago,
while having drinks with some friends at Intercontinental hotel (which turned
out to be a horrible experience, as the place is nothing like a 5 star hotel…or
even a 4 star -the food is substandard and the roof of the bar leaks), a friend
mentioned her recent experience on a date. She had gone out with a guy who,
although was wealthy, obviously had a working-class background. Being a girl
brought up in an upper-middle-class home, the first thing she noticed was the
huge gap in their personalities. According to her, his mentality was very
different from hers. While he had asked her to pick any venue -a way to let her
know he could afford her tastes, he had hinted on the food being overpriced
(although, he could clearly afford it) and exhibited terrible table manners.
Also, he had felt the need to talk about his achievements and how he had risen
above all …as though she made him feel insecure, and he needed a form of
validation from her. Again, there was the fact that his diction was flawed, and
their experiences growing up were very different.
Of course, her intention
was not to ridicule the guy. She had shared her experience to find out if her
declining a second date with the guy and refusing to speak to him again
afterward portrayed her as being a snob. Another friend who was out with us,
*Bisi, jumped in and assured her that she made the right call nipping it all in
the bud – she was better off with someone in her class.
Bisi spoke from
experience, seeing as she had married into a super wealthy home despite being
from a lower middle-class home. Prior to her marriage there had been endless
disputes over her husband marrying down, and her family’s wealth being all too
recently acquired.
According to her, while
cross-class pairings or relationships seemed egalitarian, it was complicated
and required a lot of work. Bisi stated that stereotypical class prejudices are
real – in any cross-social class relationship, both parties would have
differing views, beliefs, attitudes, and practices on things such as
child-rearing, money management, career advancement, how to spend leisure time
e.t.c. This would go on to stir feelings of insecurity, resentment, usually in
the partner on the “lower” side of this difference. And as a result, there will
be a lot of negative pressure, tension, conflict as well as a sort of imbalance
in the relationship, making it difficult for the couple to last long or even
survive.
Bisi went on to share
some of her experiences in marriage which all seemed a little incredible, and
in between laughs, it dawned on me that I’d never dated anyone outside of my
socioeconomic strata, which I’d describe as middle class. I have never been
with any one of the glitterati nor have I been with a blue collar. Obviously, I
have nothing against it, but it certainly would be quite a chore building a
relationship with someone from a dramatically different social background,
wouldn’t it? Sure, all relationships take work, but with a combination maturity
and a willingness to healthily compromise, you can overcome any relationship
problem. However, it is better to opt for one which isn’t already threatened by
the boundaries of class at the initial point…don’t you think?
Have you ever dated
someone with a richer or poorer background than yours? What were the issues?
How did it work out?
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