The rise of the
voluntarily single woman has been happening in Western societies slowly, over
time, concomitant with well-paying jobs, legal protection from economic or
physical abuse, reliable birth control and the possibility of fulfilling
careers and adventures.
Women are marrying at a later age these days,
cohabiting with their partners or going in and out of short-term relationships
without ever walking down the aisle. Currently, 53% of women over 18 are
in the singles column. Put another way, women now have choices that allow them
to customize the arc of their lives and some of them find that it is best for
them to put marriage aside while some opt to being single moms towards the
ending of their prime youth. It's 'OK' to have a sex life What it comes down to
is people get married when it's a good deal. The question is why isn't marriage
a good deal anymore? Here are some considerations.
1. A useless husband If a woman is poor and only meets equally poor or
poorer men, she's in a tough spot. It is no secret that many women do not
choose to marry if the available partners will make their economic situation
worse. In some of these cases, even if a woman has a child, she may be better
off with government help than a nonworking, noninvolved husband.
2. Success changes everything When a woman is very privileged or
highly successful, marriage could come very easily -- or not. Think of the
likes of Elizabeth Taylor, who was married eight times. Or Oprah Winfrey, who
for personal or professional reasons, is not married. Moreover, a woman doesn't
need a husband who is a high-powered corporate attorney if she is a
high-powered corporate attorney. Taking advantage of economic and professional
opportunities could be undermined by committing to a partner with an equally
ambitious, or different, life agenda. This kind of woman may wake up every day
to new and exciting challenges and think, "best to wait."
3. Unwilling to make traditional compromises A woman who doesn't want
to settle for cooking and cleaning and being the primary parent that society
prefers. She is not meeting guys who want the kind of woman she is.
4. Avoiding cheating men A few years ago when I was in China, I had a
conversation with some very beautiful female Chinese TV personalities about
their personal life. I asked them why they were single and if they wanted to
get married. The three women all said they didn't want to marry because
"the men of our class will all expect to have mistresses, and it is better
not to marry than have to put up with that." I have no idea if this was an
exaggeration or not -- but they believed it.
5. Waiting for the "one" These women wait for the perfect
guy, or the guy who they would fall in love with and love them back just as
much. If that man doesn't come along, they prefer to go alone. As women get
pickier, more factors enter into the marriage equation. They may find someone
who doesn't quite go the distance even after years of dating. They cohabit with
someone and it doesn't work out. Singlehood, never intentional, becomes a fact.
But they will not marry just to marry as their mothers or grandmothers might
have. In social psychology, there is a classic theory called "exchange
theory." It is a bit cold-blooded, but it predicts that a person's actions
will be based on trying to find a balance of give and get.
Each person's resources -- of all kinds,
including money, looks, background -- are traded back and forth for a
"good deal." For example, a "good deal" scenario could be a
woman who makes an excellent living pairing up with a man who is a writer and
is willing to work at home and be the primary child care person.
When women's life
choices were highly constrained, they had little negotiating power. They had to
marry or were seen as damaged. A few got away with being "free
spirits" but usually they were exceptional in wealth or lineage -- and
even so, it wasn't easy. It's different now. While most women still want
marriage, they don't want it at just any price. They don't want it if it
scuttles their dreams. Marriage is not dead -- not by a long shot. It is still,
to most of us, the house we wish to build for our love, our lover and our
children. But women want to craft a life instead of having it pressed upon
them. And that means some of us will be single for a long time, and some of us
will be single for life.
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